literature

My illnesses

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wolfdemonlover20's avatar
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Literature Text

I'm fading, losing myself
Hating everything I do,
Hating everything about me
Why can't it just end?

I'm relapsing,
My happiness goes just as fast as it comes,
I want it to just stop,
I want everything to just stop,
The fights, the drama, the stress-
the crying, the screaming, the cutting, breathing..

I hate that I want to die..
I want to want to live so badly,
But I just can't..

I was fine for a month or so,
but it's all coming back,
I feel that I'm growing empty again,
I'm hurting myself again,
and even trying to work up the courage to just end it all..

I want so badly not to feel this way,
I fear myself,
I'm so scared..
I don't want to go back to a mental hospital-
but I might have to..

I've convinced myself that I'm fat,
A part of my mind tells me I shouldn't eat,
when I do eat another part of me wants to retch it up

I tried so hard to beat that part of myself,
but I'm slowly giving in..

Please just stop..
I can't keep doing this to myself..
I want the help,
but people tell me I'm just stressing them out,
Like I'm not worth it anymore,
Like there isn't any hope for me..

Why is it so hard to hold on?
I've never really had an eating disorder but now I'm slowly getting one.. I can't keep doing this..
© 2012 - 2024 wolfdemonlover20
Comments15
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Wolf-Ink25's avatar
I don't know how much this will help... since I know that I haven't been through anything that you have and our situations are so different but... I do know that it gets better. It always will get better.

I don't know if this will make sense but... the way that I was able to pull myself out of my depression was realizing that it was a pattern... and instead of focusing on the bad moments, to put them behind me and instead focus ont he good moments and when you're in a bad time then just keep in mind that it will get better even if it's bad right now it always has to get better. It might get a little worse at first... but it has to get better eventually.

Also... just sit down and think about the people that love you and would miss you if something happened- your friends, your parents, your sister, your cousins... If it's really bad and I really just don't feel like living anymore I usually think of my sisters... how horrible it would be for them if I did kill myself.

And I know that it's different for everyone so it might not work for you but... I'm just trying to help you through this.

I don't know... I just... I want to help as much as I can since I know I've been such a horrible friend to you before. And... this time I'm not going to run away from this. I love you Jazz, and I really don't want to lose a friend like you. So... if you ever need anything- tot alk or anything then you can send me a note for my number (less you have it, if you have it then you can call me at any time). Or just note me if you prefer since I can't text.